"How can I?" said Clarice. "How do I know how it goes on? It's simply maddening." "Aren't there any rules?" I said. "What I mean is, don't certain notes follow certain other notes?" "Not necessarily," said Clarice. "Why should they?" "Why shouldn't they?" I persisted. "In hockey, footer, billiards and the other arts certain movements are inevitably followed by certain consequences. It ought to be the same in music. However, as a poet it is the words which really interest me. Listen to this: '_Somebody whispered to me yestre'en, Somebody whispered to me, And my heart gave a flutter and_--' Ah, of course I know--_and I trod on the butter_." "_Which soon wasn't fit to be seen_," said Clarice. "Bravo," I said, "very soulful. Now look at the one above it: '_The rosy glow of summer is on thy dimpled cheek, While_----' There's a poser for you." "Oh, how pretty!" said Clarice. "And listen to the tune." She played what notes there were two or three times over. "I really must get that one," she added. "Do," I said. "I should like to hear more about that girl. These publishers know how to whet one's appetite, don't they? By Jove, here's a gem--'_I sat by the window dreaming, In the hush of eventide, Of the_----' Now what does one dream about at that time?" "You dream of dinner chiefly, I've noticed," said Clarice. "That's the idea," I said. "_Of the soup (tomato) steaming, The steak and mushrooms fried._ Who's the publisher?" "Crammer," said Clarice. I took up another sheet of music and hunted for more treasure. "Here's something fruity," I said, "published by Scarey and Co.: '_Oh, the lover hills are happy at the dawning of the day; There are winds to kiss and bless us, there is_----'" "What?" said Clarice. "How should I know?" I said. "Let's get the song and find out. Get them all, in fact." "Do you think we ought to?" said Clarice. "Yes, certainly," I said. "It's good for trade. My motto is 'Music as Usual during the War.'" * * * * * The Contractor's Touch. From a label on a tin of Army jam:-- "DAMSON AND APPLE, From Seville Oranges and Refined Sugar only." Thus monotony is avoided. * * * * * "In standing at ease recruits _will_ not carry the left leg twelve paces to the left, and balance the body on both legs equally."--_Royal Magazine._ Probably they think that they would not feel really at ease if they did. Personally we find that two paces and a half is our limit. * * * * * MORE THAN TWO. _Host._ No, please don't sit there. _1st Guest._ Oh yes, I much prefer it. _2nd Guest._ Do let me. _Host._ I can't have you sitting there. _1st Guest._ I assure you I like being back to the driver. _Host._ No, if anyone sits there, naturally it must be me. _2nd Guest._ Do let me. _1st Guest._ Not at all. _2nd Guest._ I assure you I prefer it too. _Host._ No, sit here. When you're both comfortably settled, I'll get in.