"An hour ago he was sitting in front of a fire of logs, smoking a cigar. He had just finished dinner, so good a dinner that he was congratulating his wife on it as she sat knitting on the other side of the fire. If he had a complaint to make at all, it was perhaps that the fire was a little too hot; perhaps when he went upstairs he would find that a little too hot also was the bottle in his bed. One has these hardships to face. To complete the picture, I ask you to imagine a door closed rather noisily kitchenwards, and an exclamation of annoyance from Mr. Smith. He passes it off by explaining that he was thinking of the baby rather than of himself. "Well, there you have this J. P. Smith person ... and at the same hour what was this man Mackinnon doing? I don't know; you do. But perhaps you will understand now why I want to say 'Thank you.' I know what you will answer: 'Good Lord, I'm only doing my job, I don't want to be _kissed_ for it.' My dear Mackinnon, you don't understand. I am not very kindly writing to you; you are very kindly letting me write. This is _my_ birthday, not yours. I give myself the pleasure of thanking you; as a gentleman you cannot refuse it to me. "Yours gratefully, J. P. SMITH." "You dear," said Mrs. Jeremy. "He'll simply love it." Jeremy grunted. "If I were Mackinnon," he said, "I should prefer the muffler." A.A.M. * * * * * [Illustration: THE "KULTUR" CUT. THERE IS A STRONG PATRIOTIC MOVEMENT IN GERMANY TOWARDS A NATIONAL IDEAL IN TAILORINGS.] * * * * * BEASTS AND SUPERBEASTS. [_A German zoologist has discovered in German New Guinea a new kind of opossum to which he proposes to give the name of_ Dactylopsila Hindenburgi.] At the Annual Convention of the Fishes, Birds and Beasts, Which opened with the usual invigorating feasts, The attention of the delegates of feather, fur and fin Was focussed on a wonderful proposal from Berlin. The document suggested that, to signalise the feats Of the noble German armies and the splendid German fleets, Certain highly honoured species, in virtue of their claims, Should be privileged in future to adopt Germanic names. To judge by the resultant din, the screams and roars and cries, The birds were most ungrateful and the quadrupeds likewise; And the violence with which they "voiced" their angry discontent Was worthy of a thoroughbred Hungarian Parliament. The centipede declared he'd sooner lose a dozen legs Than wear a patronymic defiled by human dregs; And sentiments identical, in voices hoarse with woe, Were emitted by the polecat and by the carrion crow. The rattlesnake predicted that his rattle would be cracked Before the name _Bernhardii_ on to his tail was tacked; And an elderly hyæna, famed for gluttony and greed, Denounced the suffix _Klucki_ as an insult to its breed.