To think that there is any fun in listening to the ribald songs of street nigger minstrels and Shoreditch gipsies. To expect that, after taking part in half a dozen drag sweeps, any one of them will turn up trumps. To presume that you will neither be choked with dust nor drenched with rain before you get home. Lastly, to back the Winner for L10,000, payable by the Bank of England, to draw the right number at all the West-End Clubs to which you belong, becoming in consequence betrothed to the only and lovely daughter of a millionnaire Duke, and then (on waking) to find it all a dream! * * * * * [Illustration: "DOUBTFUL!" LORD SALISBURY (_to Trainer_). "H'M!--DON'T QUITE LIKE THE LOOK OF HIM. BETTER DECLARE TO WIN WITH _LAND PURCHASE_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A WARNING IN WAX. WHAT THE STATUE LOOKED LIKE WHEN IT LEFT THE SCULPTOR'S HAND FOR EXHIBITION. ITS APPEARANCE WHEN THE BRITISH PUBLIC HAD ASCERTAINED, BY EXPERIMENT, THAT IT REALLY WAS IN WAX.] * * * * * THE BALLAD OF THE EARL'S BREEKS. "I am wearing a pair of Co-operative trousers."--_Lord Rosebery, at Congress of Delegates from the Co-operative Societies of Great Britain and Ireland, meeting at Glasgow._ TALK of Dual Garmenture! Here's a picture, to be sure, That a pleasanter, more potent lesson teaches. Croakers given to foolish fright might take courage at the sight Of Lord ROSEBERY'S Co-operative Breeches! For our Earl's a canny chief, and the timidest must feel That by what he advocates no sort of hurt is meant; And if anybody wants true co-operative pants, He'll be glad to read Lord ROSEBERY'S advertisement. Co-operation now frightens very few, I trow, (Who wear trousers); but a few years earlier? Bless us! Such breeks would have been bogies to a lot of frightened fogies, They would just as soon have donned the shirt of Nessus. Now an Earl to Glasgow goes, 'midst the men once thought our foes, And about Co-operation learns--and also teaches; And receives with genial glee from the Tweed Society A pair of Tweed Co-operative Breeches! Why eighty-six per cent. (at Clackmannan) are intent, (Nearly nine-tenths of all its population), In a fashion fair as stout, upon fully working out The principles of true Co-operation. Yet there are no earthquakes there, and Lord ROSEBERY in the chair At the Congress of Co-operative Delegates, Talks in tones of hearty cheer, and the very thought of fear To a Limbo Fatuorum calmly relegates. Members One million men, with a capital of _Ten_, And an annual sale of close on _Thirty Seven_! Two millions more each year! Yes, it's truly pretty clear That the State feels the co-operative leaven. And though it is mere hum to see the Millennium, Because Co-operators cheerfully co-operate, Yet it _is_ a mighty movement, and our hopes of Earth's improvement