_Wit._ No, my Lord, no! I was carried off protesting, while my villanous friend disappeared with my sweetheart! It was cruel, my Lord and Gentlemen! It was very cruel! _Chair._ Did you desert? _Wit._ I did, my Lord--after I had obtained a uniform fitting closely to the figure; but it was only that I might obtain the blessing of my mother! And when I returned home the soldiers followed me--and might have killed me! _Chair._ How was that? _Wit._ When I had taken refuge in a haystack, they prodded the haystack with their swords! And this is life in the Army! _Chair._ Were you arrested on discovery? _Wit._ No; they spared me that indignity! They saw, my Lord, that my mother was dying, and respectfully fell back while I assisted the old Lady to pass away peacefully. But then, after all, they were men. In spite of their red patrol jackets, brass helmets, and no spurs, they were men, my Lord,--men! And, as soldiers, after I had broken from prison, and was accused of murder, they again released me, because some one promised to buy my discharge! _Chair._ And where are you quartered? _Wit._ At the Royal Princess's Theatre, Oxford Street, where I have these strange experiences of discipline, and where I am enlisted in the unconventional, not to say illegal, way I have described, nightly; nay, sometimes twice daily! _Chair._ And why have you proffered your evidence? _Wit._ Because I think the Public ought to know, my Lord, the great services afforded by the most recent Melodrama to the popularity of the Army, and--yes, the cause of recruiting! [_The Witness then withdrew._ * * * * * HOW THEY BRING THE GOOD NEWS! All the papers teeming With, the news of DEEMING On the shore or ship; Telling of his tearing Hair that he was wearing From his upper lip. (T-SS-D, rush! Pursue it! Buy it, bring it, glue it On your model! Quick!) Telling how he's looking, How he likes the cooking,-- Bah, it makes one sick! Telling of his bearing, How the crowds are staring, What may be his fate, Just what clothes he wore the Days he came before the Local Magistrate. And, verbatim printed All he's said or hinted As to any deeds; Such a chance as this is Not a paper misses! Everybody reads! Would they give such latest News of best and greatest Folks? What's that you say? Who would read of virtue, Or such news insert? You Know it would not pay. So, demand creating Such supply, they're stating All that they can tell; Spite of School-Board teaching, Culture, science, preaching, This is sure to sell. * * * * * [Illustration: THE END OF THE SEASON. AU REVOIR!] * * * * * [Illustration: STAIRCASE SCENES.--NO. 1. PRIVATE VIEW, ROYAL ACADEMY.] * * * * * THE YOUNG GIRL'S COMPANION. (_BY MRS. PAYLEY,_) II.--DINING-OUT.