_Average Man_ (_to First W. I. M._). Seems to me you've none of you got hold of the right point. What I want to know is, does Uganda pay? LUGARD says it don't; the Company hasn't made anything of it, and they've got to go whether they like it or not; though I daresay they're deuced glad to be out of the hole. But, if it don't pay, what on earth are we going to do with it? _Second W I. M._ (_triumphantly reinforcing him_). Yes, what on earth are we to do with it? _First W. I. M._ (_calmly, but contemptuously_). Ah! I see you're both little-England men. From your point of view, I daresay you're right enough. But I'm one of those who believe that we must stick on wherever we've planted the flag. I agree with MOLTKE, that the nation that gives up is in a state of decay. _Second W. I. M._ It wasn't MOLTKE who said that; it was VICTOR HUGO, or (_after a pause_) Lord PALMERSTON. _First W. I. M._ Well, it doesn't matter who said it. The point is, it's true. Besides, what are you going to do about the slaves and the Missionaries? _Average Man._ Oh, bother the Missionaries! _First W. I. M._ It's all very well to say "bother the Missionaries!" but that won't get you any further. They're our fellow-creatures after all, and what's more, they're our fellow-countrymen, so we've got to look after them. _Average Man._ I should let the whole lot of Missionaries fight it out together. They only keep quarrelling amongst themselves, and trying to bag one another's converts; and then France and England get involved. _Inquirer._ By the way, where is Uganda, exactly? _First W. I. M._ Just behind Zanzibar--or somewhere about there. You can get to it best from Mashonaland. Didn't you see that RHODES said he was going to make a telegraph-line through there? It used to belong to the SULTAN OF ZANZIBAR. Don't you remember? _Inquirer._ Of course; so it did. [_Train draws up at Terminus._ * * * * * [Illustration: A SALVE FOR THE CONSCIENCE. _Vegetarian Professor._ "NO, MADAM, NOT EVEN FISH. I CANNOT SANCTION THE DESTRUCTION OF LIFE. THESE LITTLE ANIMALS, FOR INSTANCE, WERE BUT YESTERDAY SWIMMING HAPPILY IN THE SEA." _Mrs. O'Laughlan._ "OH BUT, PROFESSOR, JUST THINK IT'S THE FIRST TIME THE POOR LITTLE THINGS HAVE EVER BEEN REALLY WARM IN THEIR LIVES!"] * * * * * "'TWAS WHISPERED IN HEAVEN, 'TWAS MUTTERED IN H----." _A propos_ of the much-discussed article written by Dr. ST. GEORGE MIVART in _The Nineteenth Century_, on "Happiness in Hell."--begging pardon for uttering a word "unmentionable to ears polite,"--our old friend 'ARRY writes thusly:--"Sir,--We 'ave all of us been familiar for years with the well-known 'Mivart's 'Otel.' If the clever Professor is correct, this name ought to be changed, as there ain't no such a place; and, in future, when alluded to, it ought to be called _Mivart's Cool 'el._ Am I right? "Yours truly, THE 'ARRY OPAGITE." * * * * *