_William Sikes._ Because of the gross incompetence of my Counsel, and the ridiculous adverse prepossessions of the Jury at my recent appearance in public at the C.C.C. _McStinger._ Because there's bonny braw air on the braes of Hampstead, and it costs but a bawbee to get intil it. _Fitz-Fluke._ Because, since that awkward affair at the Roulette Club, my country invitations haven't come in. _Capel Courtney._ Because those beastly bucket-shops have collared all our business. _Bumpshus, M.P._ Because the Lords of the Treasury (shabby crew of place-hunters) declined to adopt my suggestion, and to place a trooper, thoroughly well found, victualled, and overhauled, at the disposal of any Members of the Lower House whose profound sense of duty, and of the importance of the Imperial Federation idea, impelled them to take a six-months' trip round the world at the nation's expense. _Theodore John Hook Straight._ Because of the old trouble--"got a complaint in the chest." * * * * * [Illustration: PHILLIPOPOLIS. _Toper Major_ (_over their third bottle of a Grand Vin_). I shay, ol' f'ler, neksh year thinksh'll go see ex'bishun at Ph-Phipp--at Philup-popple-- _Toper Minor._ I know, ol'f'ler. You mean Philipoppoppo--poppo-- _Toper Major._ Thatsh it--shame place. Have 'nother bo'l! [_They drink._] * * * * * "THE SPEECH OF MONKEYS."--Professor R.L. GARNER, who is a great hand at "getting his Monkey up" (he was naturally a bit annoyed at being, quite recently, accidentally prevented from giving his Monkey lecture), is about to commence operations by adapting the old song of "_Let us be Happy Together_" to Monkey Language, when it will re-appear as "_Let us be Apey Together_." It will be first given at Monkey Island on Thames. * * * * * CRICKETERS WHO OUGHT TO BE GOOD HANDS AT PLAYING A TIE.--"The Eleven of Notts." * * * * * UN-BROCKEN VOWS. Walpurgis Brocken Night at Crystal Palace last Thursday--Grand! Jupiter Pluvius suspended buckets, and celestial water-works rested awhile to make way for Terrestrial Fire-works. "Todgers's can do it when it likes," as all Martin-Chuzzlewiters know, and BROCK can do it too when _he_ likes. _A propos_ of DICKENS' quotation above, it is on record that _Mr. Pickwick_ was once addressed as "Old Fireworks." Where? When? and How? _Mr. Pickwick_, we are led to infer by the commentary thereon, somewhat objected to the term, unless our Pickwickian memory fail us--which is not improbable--but Mr. BROCK would appropriate it to himself with pleasure, and be "'proud o' the title' as the Living Skeleton said." Despite wind and weather, and _contretemps_ generally, BROCK has never brocken faith with the public. "_Facta non verba_" is his motto: and "_Facta_" means (here) Fire-works. * * * * *