A. P. H. * * * * * [Illustration: _Profiteer Host._ "WOT D'YER THINK OF MY OAKS?" _Profiteer Guest._ "BIT OF ALL RIGHT. WHERE D'YER GET 'EM?"] * * * * * "MORE THAN MILLION SALE. Waste! Waste! Waste!" _Newspaper Poster._ In mercy we suppress the title of our contemporary. * * * * * "The man in custody has been identified as the result of the efforts of the Birkenhead detective stag."--_Liverpool Paper._ A variation on the old-fashioned sleuth-hound. * * * * * From the report of a speech by Admiral Sir PERCY SCOTT:-- "He might say that when the Germans were demolarised at the Battle of Jutland ..." _Scottish Paper._ This confirms our impression that, whatever happened at Jutland, we certainly drew the German Navy's teeth. * * * * * QUESTIONS. How did mankind get to all corners of the earth? and what is the cause of exploding suns? These are among the questions put by Professor A. W. BICKERTON, of the London Astronomical Society, and they would be solved, it seems, if our learned men would only band themselves together. I have no wish to hamper the good work, but a moment's reflection suggests a number of other questions simply asking to be answered. For instance, what happens when an irresistible force meets Sir ERIC GEDDES? And why is it that while we hear of thousands of people losing their umbrellas we have never yet heard of a single case where a man openly admitted that he had found one? And is there any reason why the modern novel should not end happily, instead of the hero and heroine always marrying at the last moment. And how does it happen that Thanet is the best holiday-place in this country and enjoys more sunshine than any other resort? And could not _The Daily Mail_ extend the same sunshine privilege to other parts? And what makes a music-hall audience laugh when a comedian changes his hat and mutters the mystic word, "Winston"? And who is the gentleman referred to? And why is it that nine-tenths of the coon-singers on the halls are always wanting to get back to their dear old homes? And who is stopping them in their noble desire? And is there any explanation why all these singers seem to have their homes in distant Alabam, where the roses keep on climbing round the door, just close to where the cotton and the corn are growing all the year round, only later in life to leave the dear old place to take up music-hall work here, and then spend the remainder of their lives telling us of their passionate determination to get away back to the old folks? And would I be right in my surmise that very few homes in Wigan have roses round the door or stand in fields of growing cotton and corn or reek of new-mown hay?