JOHN, across the broad Atlantic, Tried to navigate a barque, But he met an unromantic And extremely hungry shark. John (I blame his childhood's teachers) Thought to treat this as a lark, Ignorant of how these creatures Do delight to bite a barque. Said "This animal's a bore!" and, With a scornful sort of grin, Handled an adjacent oar and Chucked it underneath the chin. At this unexpected juncture Which he had not reckoned on, Mr. Shark he made a puncture In the barque--and then in John. Sad am I, and sore at thinking John had on some clothes of mine; I can almost see them shrinking, Washed repeatedly in brine. I shall never cease regretting That I lent my hat to him, For I fear a thorough wetting Cannot well improve the brim. Oh! to know a shark is browsing, Boldly, blandly on my boots! Coldly, cruelly carousing On the choicest of my suits! Creatures I regard with loathing Who can calmly take their fill Of one's Jæger underclothing:-- Down, my aching heart, be still! The Fond Father OF Baby I was very fond, She'd won her father's heart; So, when she fell into the pond, It gave me quite a start. [Illustration] Necessity LATE last night I slew my wife, Stretched her on the parquet flooring; I was loath to take her life, But I _had_ to stop her snoring. [Illustration] Unselfishness ALL those who see my children say, "What sweet, what kind, what charming elves!" They are so thoughtful, too, for they Are _always_ thinking of themselves. It must be ages since I ceased To wonder which I liked the least. Such is their generosity, That, when the roof began to fall, They would not share the risk with me, But said, "No, father, take it all!" Yet I should love them more, I know, If I did not dislike them so. [Illustration] Scorching John JOHN, who rode his Dunlop tire O'er the head of sweet Maria, When she writhed in frightful pain, Had to blow it out again. [Illustration] Misfortunes Never Come Singly MAKING toast at the fireside, Nurse fell in the grate and died; And, what makes it ten times worse, All the toast was burned _with_ nurse. [Illustration] The Perils of Obesity