An old German couple, living in a quiet town, had met slight financial reverses which caused the wife considerable worriment, while her better half was inclined to take the matter philosophically and make the best of the situation. In the course of her complaints, she one day said: "Ach! I vish I vas dead." "I don’t," said her husband. "I vish I vas in a beer saloon." "Dot’s it! Dot’s it!" replied the spouse. "Dot’s chust like you. You always vants de best." *ACCORDING TO WEIGHT* The scene was a crowded street car. The car stopped and a very thin man started to work his way out. He had great difficulty in squeezing through a space between two very stout men and at last got angry. "People who ride on street cars ought to pay according to weight," he snapped to the conductor. "If they did," answered one of the big fellows good naturedly, "the car wouldn’t stop for you." *LARGE ENOUGH* One day last summer two small boys were playing near the country road. A young lady approached them. "Little boy," said she, "can you tell me if I can get through this gate to the pike?" "Yes’m, I think so. A load of hay went through five minutes ago." *SO HE WOULD* Charlie Brown, aged ten years, has a baby brother about three weeks old, of which he is very proud. A neighbor who delights to tease met Charlie on the street a few days ago and said to him: "Charlie, what makes that baby over at your house cry so much? I never heard a baby cry so often. Why it cries all the time." Charlie looked at his interlocutor a moment and replied: "If you had no hair on your head, and no teeth in your mouth, and your legs were so weak you couldn’t stand up, I reckon you would feel like crying, too." *TO HELP HER ON* The following story is told of President Roosevelt: Once he had to recite an old poem beginning: "At midnight in his guarded tent, The Turk lay dreaming of the hour When Greece, her knee in suppliance bent, Should tremble at his power." He got only as far as "When Greece, her knee," when he stopped. Twice he repeated "Greece, her knee" and then he broke down. The old professor beamed on him over his glasses and remarked "Greece her knee once more, Theodore. Perhaps she’ll go then." *COMPARATIVE VALUES* Two elderly men recently met for the first time in many years, and a part of their conversation was overheard, as follows: "And how many children have you, John?" "Eight, five boys and three girls. How many have you?" "Ne’er a one. Can’t you spare me one of yours?" "No. What I have, I wouldn’t take a million dollars apiece for; and," he added reflectively, "I wouldn’t give five cents for another." *STRATEGICAL*