General Joe Wheeler tells a story of an Irishman who presented himself for cavalry duty at the recruiting station at Selma, Alabama, at the outbreak of the Civil War. He was very enthusiastic but very raw and gave the fencing master a great deal of trouble. He began to improve, however, after the eighth or ninth lesson and his instructor, upon obtaining a few satisfactory replies as to thrusts, parries, etc., asked, "Now, Pat, what would you do were your opponent to feint?" "Faint, is it?" came from the recruit. "Why, shure and Oi’d tickle him wid me sword to see if he was shammin’." *NO CAUSE FOR ANXIETY* "I wish, Susan," said a fond mother to her new nursemaid, "that you would use a thermometer to ascertain if the water is the right temperature when you give the baby his bath." "Oh," replied Susan cheerfully, "don’t you worry about that. I don’t need any thermometer. If the little ’un turns red the water is too hot, if he turns blue, it’s too cold and there you are." *HIS FUTURE STATE* A young city girl, teaching school for a session in the country, was struggling with the reading lesson. She wrote the word man on the blackboard and asked a boy of six how the word was pronounced. The young hopeful said he did not know. "Now listen while I spell it," she continued; "m-a-n. What does that sound like?" "I don’t know," the youngster answered quite truthfully. Still the teacher persisted. "What will they call you when you grow up?" said she. Then, a light suddenly breaking over his face, the lad answered, "Why, pop." *A LOVE LETTER* A gentleman recently found the following letter in the chamber of his negro coachman who had lately been dismissed from service: "DEAR MR. GOINGS:--Last night I dreamed that you and me was walking in a garden full of beautiful flowers, lilies, and roses, and pineys but you were the beautifullest of all, Mr. Goings. I would risk my life crossing the ocean on a spiderweb to kiss your sweet sugar lips. Mr. Goings, let me give you a hint of my love. Please send me a bottle of colone. "From your lovingist, "LILLIE LUCINDA." *COULD NOT BE EXCHANGED* "Well, Bobbie," said a kindly old gentleman to a little friend of his, aged five, "what’s new up at your house?" "Nothin’ much ’cept I’ve got a new baby brother." "You don’t mean it! Well, I suppose you’re very fond of him?" "Nope; he’s no good--yells all the time." "Why don’t you send him back?" "Can’t; we’ve used him four days already." *THE SOFT ANSWER* A clergyman visiting the house of one of his parishioners caught a young lady of the house in the act of curling her hair with a curling iron. He exclaimed, "My dear young lady, if God intended your hair to be curly He would curl it Himself."