"Thank ye very much. It’s a diffirunt color from my suit, I see; but p’r’aps ye could spare some of your husband’s old clothes that this patch will match." "Well, I declare! You’re clever. I guess I’ll have to give you a suit." "Thank ye greatly. I see it’s a little too large, ma’m, so would ye kindly furnish me with a good meal to see if I can fill it?" *MIGHT NOT USE IT* A salesman was sent to call on Mr. C----, "the meanest rich man in town," to try to induce him to purchase a lot in the new cemetery. In a half hour he was back again. "Couldn’t get him, eh?" said the superintendent. "No," said the salesman. "He admitted that the lots were fine ones, but he said that if he bought one he might not get the value of his money in the end." "Why," said the superintendent, "there’s no fear of that. The man will die some day, won’t he?" "Yes," said the salesman, "but he says he might be lost at sea." *CAUSE FOR MIRTH* A professor in a certain college was giving his students a lecture on "Scotland and the Scots." "These hardy men," he said, "think nothing of swimming across the Tay three times every morning before breakfast." Suddenly a burst of laughter came from the centre of the hall, and the professor, amazed at any one daring to interrupt him in the middle of his discourse, angrily asked the offender what he meant by such unruly conduct. "I was just thinking, sir," replied the student who laughed, "how the poor Scots would get their clothes after making the third trip across." *NOT SO REMARKABLE* A school teacher who was giving a lesson on "food" was interrupted by one of his pupils. "Please, sir," he said, "Jimmy says he knew a baby that was brought up on elephant’s milk, and it gained ten pounds in weight every day." "James ought not to tell you such rubbish," said the teacher. "Whose baby was it that was brought up on elephant’s milk?" "Please, sir," answered Jimmy, "it was the elephant’s." *NOT LITERALLY INTENDED* A good old Methodist, obliged to remain in the city over Sunday, started out to attend service in one of the churches of his own faith; but losing his way, and seeing an open church door just across the street, he entered there, not knowing to what creed the congregation held. As the service progressed, his religious emotions waxed warmer and warmer, until he finally gave vent to them by shouting out, "Praise God!" Immediately one of the ushers tapped him on the shoulder, saying, "You can’t do that in this church, sir." *NOT POSSIBLE* The day was warm, the children restless, the teacher impatient. One curly-haired boy was moving his jaws faster with chewing-gum than his brain had ever been known to work. His feet were in the aisle. A smile was on the face of more than one pupil when the teacher said: