It happened on an inauguration day in Washington and a member of a governor’s staff was, for the first time, arrayed in his full uniform. When he arrived at the Capitol, he remembered having left something at his boarding-house and turned back after it. The landlady’s small daughter answered the bell. She did not recognize the lodger in his showy and magnificent dress. "Who is it?" asked the mother before going into the parlor. "I don’t know, mamma, but I think it’s God." *HOW HE KNEW* In a New York court, counsel for the defense, in a case of assault, was questioning a witness for the prosecution. "Now, you say you saw the quarrel between the two men?" "Yes," replied the man, who happened to be a carpenter. "How far away from them were you?" "Just four yards, two feet, three and one-half inches." "What do you mean?" shouted the attorney. "You don’t mean to say that you can measure distance that accurately with your eye?" "No," said the carpenter, quietly; "but I knew some fool would ask me, so I measured it." *WORSE YET* Henry H. Rogers, the Copper and Standard Oil magnate, was visited recently by one of his friends who has been under the weather for months. Mr. Rogers inquired kindly after the health of his caller. "I have been staying down at Lakewood, New Jersey, for six months," was the reply, "and I’ve been pretty low. In fact, I never was in so bad a state before." Mr. Rogers smiled and asked quietly: "You’ve never been in Montana, have you?" *AMENITIES OF THE BAR* Judge Norton was solemn, stern and dignified to excess. He was also egotistical, and sensitive to ridicule. Judge Nelson was a wit and careless of decorum. He did not like Judge Norton. At a Bar supper Judge Norton in an elaborate speech, referring to the early days of Wisconsin, described with tragic manner a thunder-storm which once overtook him in riding the circuit; the scene was awful, "and," said the Judge, "I expected every moment the lightning would strike the tree under which I had taken shelter." "Then," interrupted Nelson, "why in thunder didn’t you get under another tree?" *AT SUNDAY-SCHOOL* In a down-town Sunday-school a few Sundays ago the teacher asked a class of girls: "Can any little girl here tell me what the Epistles are?" "I think I know," said one child. "Well, Dorothy?" "The Epistles were the Lady Apostles." *A STORY ABOUT CHICAGO* Two New York women were lunching together at a favorite café. "One hears strange stories about Chicago," said the woman in the chinchilla tricorne, "but I never believed half of them until I went there a while ago on a visit. Will you believe, my dear, that I went to a dinner where there was a little silver trumpet beside each soup plate?" "What were they for?" inquired the girl with the violets.