The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
The invaders landed at Exeter, which was governed by a Norman baron,
a favourite of the queen; but, as frequently happens in the course of
events as well as on the race-course, the favourite proved deceptive
when the enemy took the field, and resigned the place to pillage. The
Danish foe marched into Wiltshire, and in every town they passed through
they ordered the best of everything for dinner, when, after eating to
excess of all the delicacies of the season, they had the indelicacy to
settle their hosts when the bill was brought to them for settlement.
To prevent even the possibility of old scores being kept against them,
which they might one day be called upon to pay off, they burned down
the houses, thus making a bonfire of all the property, including account
books, papers, and wooden tallies that the establishment might contain.
The entertainers or land-lords had no sooner presented a bill; than it
was met by a savage endorsement on their own backs; and, though
drawing and accepting may be regarded as a very customary, commercial
transaction, still, when the drawer draws a huge sword the acceptor is
likely to get by far the worst of it.
[Illustration: 62]
An Anglo-Saxon army was, however, organised at last, to oppose the
Danes; but Alfric the Mercian--an old traitor, who had on a former
occasion played the knave against the king--was put at the head of it.
Ethelred had punished the first treachery of the father by putting out
the eyes of the son; but this castigation of the "wrong boy," the young
one instead of the old one, had not proved effectual. His majesty must
have been as blind as he had rendered the innocent youth, to have again
entrusted Alfric with command; and the consequences were soon felt, for
the old impostor pretended to be taken suddenly ill, just as his men
were going into battle. He called them off at the most important moment;
and instead of stopping at home by himself, putting his feet in warm
water, and laying up while the battle was being fought under directions
which he could just as easily have given from his own room, he shouted
for help from the whole army; and by sending some for salts, others
for senna, a cohort here for a pill, and a legion there for a leech, he
managed to keep the whole of the forces occupied in running about for
him.
Sweyn in the meantime got clear off with all his booty, and by the time
that Alfric announced himself to be a little better, and able to go out,
the enemy had vanished altogether from the neighbourhood.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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