The Comic History of EnglandÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of England
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Great Britain -- History -- Humor
An appetite for conquest was not however the only appetite which the
Danes indulged, for their voracity in eating was such that they created
a panic wherever they showed themselves. They ravaged Norfolk, and
having reduced it to its last dumpling, they fell upon Yarmouth, whose
bloaters they speedily exhausted, when they tried Cambridge,
having probably been attracted thither by the fame of its sausages.
Subsequently they advanced upon Huntingdonshire and Lincolnshire,
where they continued as long as they could find a bone to pick with
the inhabitants. They then crossed the Baltic (a.d. 1004), having been
obliged to quit England on account of there being literally nothing
to eat; so that a joint occupation with the natives had become utterly
impossible. Those only, who from its being the land of their birth, felt
that they must always have a stake in the country, could possibly have
mustered the resolution to remain in it. The vengeance of Sweyn being
unsatisfied, he returned in the year 1006, when he carried fire and
sword into every part, and it has been said with much felicity of
expression, that amidst so much sacking the inhabitants had scarcely a
bed to lie down upon.
[Illustration: 063]
Unable to offer him any effectual check, the Great Council tried what
could be done with ready money, and £36,000 was the price demanded
to pay out this formidable "man in possession" from the harassed and
exhausted country. The sum was collected by an income-tax of about
twenty shillings in the pound, or even more, if it could be got out of
the people by either threats or violence. Such as had paid the Danes
directly to save their homes from destruction were obliged to pay over
again, like a railway traveller who loses his ticket; and the natives
seem to have got into a special train of evils, in which every engine of
persecution was used against them.
[Illustration: 064]
In 1008 new burdens were thrown upon the people, who for every
nine nides of land were bound to find a man armed with a helmet and
breastplate. This would seem no very difficult matter, considering that
two or three such men are found annually at the Lord Mayor's show; but
in former times they had something more difficult to do than walk in
a procession. Though two shillings and his beer will, it is believed,
secure the services of an ancient knight, armed _cap-d-pie_ at an hour's
notice in our own day, such a person was not to be had so cheap in the
time of Ethelred. In addition to this infliction, every three hundred
and ten hides of land were bound to build and equip a ship for the
defence of the country; but it seems, after all, nothing but fair, that
the hides should club together to save themselves from tanning. The
fleet thus raised was, however, soon rendered valueless, in consequence
of the various commanders having refused to row in the same boat, or
rather insisting on pulling different ways, to the utter annihilation of
their master's interest.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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