The Comic History of RomeÀ Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
History
The Comic History of Rome
À Beckett, Gilbert Abbott
Rome -- History -- Humor; Wit and humor, Pictorial
Having fought and conquered the Sabines, he took from them Collatræ, as
a collateral security for their good behaviour; and coming home with a
great deal of money, he built the Temple of Jupiter on the capitol.
Tarquinius, being desirous of increasing the army, was opposed by a
celebrated augur of the day, one Attus Navius, whose reputation seems to
have been well deserved, if the annexed anecdote is to be believed; for
it indicates that he could see further into a whetstone than any one who
has either gone before or followed him. Navius declared that augury must
determine whether the plan of Tarquinius could be carried out, which
caused the latter to ask, sneeringly, whether he knew what he was
thinking about. The question was ambiguous, but Navius boldly replied he
did, and added, that what Tarquinius proposed to do was perfectly
possible. "Is it indeed," said the King, "I was thinking of cutting
through this whetstone with this razor." "It will be a close shave," was
the reply of the augur, "but it can be done, so cut away;" and the
bluntness of the observation was only equalled by the sharpness of the
blade, which cut the article in two as easily as if it had been a pound
of butter, instead of a stone of granite. This reproof was literally
more cutting than any other that could have been possibly conveyed to
the king, who ever afterwards paid the utmost respect to the augurs, of
whom he was accustomed thenceforth to say, that the affair of the
whetstone proved them to be much sharper blades than he had been willing
to take them for.
Having been at war with the Tuscans, whom he vanquished, he was admitted
into the ranks of the Kings of Etruria; a position which led him to
indulge in the most extravagant desires. He must needs have a crown of
gold, which often tears or encumbers the brow it adorns; a throne of
ivory, on whose too highly polished surface the foot is apt to slip; and
a sceptre, having on its top an eagle, which frequently gives wings to
the power it is intended to typify. His robe was of purple, with so
costly an edging, that the border exceeded all reasonable limits, and
furnished an instance of extravagance carried to the extreme, while the
rate at which he went on may be judged from the fact of his always
driving four in hand in his chariot. He did not, however, wholly neglect
the useful in his taste for the ornamental; and though his extravagance
must have been a drain upon the public pocket, he devoted himself to the
more honourable drainage of the lower portions of the city. He set an
example to all future commissioners of sewers, by his great work of the
_Cloaca Maxima_, some portion of which still exists, and which contains,
in its spacious vault, a far more honourable monument than the most
magnificent tomb that could have been raised to his memory.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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