The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)Ward, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward (HTML edition)
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
He sed he was. He sed he & John Bunyan was travelin with a side show
in connection with Shakspere, Jonson & Co.'s Circus. He sed old Bun
(meanin Mr. Bunyan,) stired up the animils & ground the organ while he
tended door. Occashunally Mr. Bunyan sung a comic song. The Circus
was doin middlin well. Bill Shakspeer had made a grate hit with old Bob
Ridley, and Ben Jonson was delitin the peple with his trooly grate ax of
hossmanship without saddul or bridal. Thay was rehersin Dixey's Land &
expected it would knock the peple.
Sez I, "William, my luvly friend, can you pay me that 13 dollars you owe
me?" He sed no with one of the most tremenjis knox I ever experiunsed.
The Sircle sed he had gone. "Air you gone, William?" I axed.
"Rayther," he replide, and I knowd it as no use to pursoo the subjeck
furder.
I then called fur my farther.
"How's things, daddy?"
"Middlin, my son, middlin."
"Ain't you proud of your orfurn boy?"
"Scacely."
"Why not, my parient?"
"Becawz you hav gone to writin for the noospapers, my son. Bimeby
you'll lose all your character for trooth and verrasserty. When I helpt
you into the show biznis I told you to dignerfy that there profeshun.
Litteratoor is low."
He also statid that he was doin middlin well in the peanut biznis &
liked it putty well, tho' the climit was rather warm.
When the Sircle stopt thay axed me what I thawt of it.
Sez I, "My frends I've bin into the show biznis now goin on 23 years.
Theres a artikil in the Constitooshun of the United States which sez in
effeck that everybody may think just as he darn pleazes, & them is my
sentiments to a hare. You dowtlis beleeve this Sperret doctrin while I
think it is a little mixt. Just so soon as a man becums a reglar out &
out Sperret rapper he leeves orf workin, lets his hare grow all over his
fase & commensis spungin his livin out of other peple. He eats all the
dickshunaries he can find & goze round chock full of big words, scarein
the wimmin folks & little children & destroyin the piece of mind of evry
famerlee he enters. He don't do nobody no good & is a cuss to society &
a pirit on honest peple's corn beef barrils. Admittin all you say
abowt the doctrin to be troo, I must say the reglar perfessional Sperrit
rappers--them as makes a biznis on it--air abowt the most ornery set of
cusses I ever enkountered in my life. So sayin I put on my surtoot and
went home.
Respectably Yures,
Artemus Ward.
____________________
ON THE WING.
Gents of the Editorial Corpse.--
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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