The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and ReturnWard, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Pepper was indeed his name. He had been out to see if he could
remember it; and he was so flushed with his success that he
repeated it joyously several times, and then, with a short laugh he
went away.
I had often heard of a man being "so drunk that he didn't know what
town he lived in," but here was a man so hideously inebriated that
he didn't know what his name was.
I saw him no more, but I heard from him. For he published a notice
of my lecture, in which he said I had A DISSIPATED AIR!
4.7. HORACE GREELEY'S RIDE TO PLACERVILLE.
When Mr. Greeley was in California ovations awaited him at every
town. He had written powerful leaders in the "Tribune" in favor of
the Pacific railroad, which had greatly endeared him to the
citizens of the Golden State. And therefore they made much of him
when he went to see them.
At one town the enthusiastic populace tore his celebrated white
coat to pieces, and carried the pieces home to remember him by.
The citizens of Placerville prepared to fete the great journalist,
and an extra coach, with extra relays of horses, was chartered to
the California Stage Company to carry him from Folsom to
Placerville--distance, forty miles. The extra was in some way
delayed, and did not leave Folsom until late in the afternoon. Mr.
Greeley was to be feted at 7 o'clock that evening by the citizens
of Placerville, and it was altogether necessary that he should be
there by that hour. So the Stage Company said to Henry Monk, the
driver of the extra: "Henry, this great man must be there by 7
to-night." And Henry answered, "The great man shall be there."
The roads were in an awful state, and during the first few miles
out of Folsom slow progress was made.
"Sir," said Mr. Greeley, "are you aware that I MUST be at
Placerville at 7 o'clock to-night?"
"I've got my orders!" laconically returned Henry Monk.
Still the coach dragged slowly forward.
"Sir," said Mr. Greeley, "this is not a trifling matter. I MUST be
there at 7!"
Again came the answer, "I've got my orders!"
But the speed was not increased, and Mr. Greeley chafed away
another half hour; when, as he was again about to remonstrate with
the driver, the horses suddenly started into a furious run, and all
sorts of encouraging yells filled the air from the throat of Henry
Monk.
"That is right, my good fellow!" cried Mr. Greeley. "I'll give you
ten dollars when we get to Placerville. Now we ARE going!"
They were indeed, and at a terrible speed.
Crack, crack! went the whip, and again "that voice" split the air.
"Git up! Hi yi! G'long! Yip--yip!"
And on they tore over stones and ruts, up hill and down, at a rate
of speed never before achieved by stage horses.
Mr. Greeley, who had been bouncing from one end of the coach to the
other like an india-rubber ball, managed to get his head out of the
window, when he said:
"Do--on't--on't--on't you-u-u think we-e-e-e shall get there by
seven if we do--on't--on't go so fast?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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