The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and ReturnWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"I've got my orders!" That was all Henry Monk said. And on tore
the coach.
It was becoming serious. Already the journalist was extremely sore
from the terrible jolting, and again his head "might have been
seen" at the window.
"Sir," he said, "I don't care--care--AIR, if we DON'T get there at
seven!"
"I've got my orders!" Fresh horses. Forward again, faster than
before. Over rocks and stumps, on one of which the coach narrowly
escaped turning a summerset.
"See here!" shrieked Mr. Greeley, "I don't care if we don't get
there at all!"
"I've got my orders! I work for the California Stage Company, _I_
do. That's wot I WORK for. They said, 'git this man through by
seving.' An' this man's goin' through. You bet! Gerlong! Whoo-
ep!"
Another frightful jolt, and Mr. Greeley's bald head suddenly found
its way through the roof of the coach, amidst the crash of small
timbers and the ripping of strong canvas.
"Stop, you ---- maniac!" he roared.
Again answered Henry Monk:
"I've got my orders! KEEP YOUR SEAT, HORACE!"
At Mud Springs, a village a few miles from Placerville, they met a
large delegation of the citizens of Placerville, who had come out
to meet the celebrated editor, and escort him into town. There was
a military company, a brass band, and a six-horse wagon load of
beautiful damsels in milk-white dresses representing all the States
in the Union. It was nearly dark now, but the delegation were
amply provided with torches, and bonfires blazed all along the road
to Placerville.
The citizens met the coach in the outskirts of Mud Springs, and Mr.
Monk reined in his foam-covered steeds.
"Is Mr. Greeley on board?" asked the chairman of the committee.
"HE WAS, A FEW MILES BACK!" said Mr. Monk; "yes," he added, after
looking down through the hole which the fearful jolting had made in
the coach-roof--"yes, I can see him! He is there!"
"Mr. Greeley," said the Chairman of the Committee, presenting
himself at the window of the coach, "Mr. Greeley, sir! We are come
to most cordially welcome you, sir--why, God bless me, sir, you are
bleeding at the nose!"
"I've got my orders!" cried Mr. Monk. "My orders is as follers:
Get him there by seving! It wants a quarter to seving. Stand out
of the way!"
"But, sir," exclaimed the Committee-man, seizing the off leader by
the reins--"Mr Monk, we are come to escort him into town! Look at
the procession, sir, and the brass bands, and the people, and the
young women, sir!"
"I'VE GOT MY ORDERS!" screamed Mr. Monk. "My orders don't say
nothin' about no brass bands and young women. My orders says, 'git
him there by seving!' Let go them lines! Clear the way there!
Whoo-ep! KEEP YOUR SEAT, HORACE!" and the coach dashed wildly
through the procession, upsetting a portion of the brass band, and
violently grazing the wagon which contained the beautiful young
women in white.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account