The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and ReturnWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Years hence, gray-haired men, who were little boys in this
procession, will tell their grandchildren how this stage tore
through Mud Springs, and how Horace Greeley's bald head ever and
anon showed itself, like a wild apparition, above the coach-roof.
Mr. Monk was on time. There is a tradition that Mr. Greeley was
very indignant for a while; then he laughed, and finally presented
Mr. Monk with a brand new suit of clothes.
Mr. Monk himself is still in the employ of the California Stage
Company, and is rather fond of relating a story that has made him
famous all over the Pacific coast. But he says he yields to no man
in his admiration for Horace Greeley.
4.8. TO REESE RIVER.
I leave Virginia for Great Salt Lake City, via the Reese River
Silver Diggings.
There are eight passengers of us inside the coach--which, by the
way, isn't a coach, but a Concord covered mud wagon.
Among the passengers is a genial man of the name of Ryder, who has
achieved a widespread reputation as a strangler of unpleasant bears
in the mountain fastnesses of California, and who is now an eminent
Reese River miner.
We ride night and day, passing through the land of the Piute
Indians. Reports reach us that fifteen hundred of these savages
are on the Rampage, under the command of a red usurper named
Buffalo Jim, who seems to be a sort of Jeff Davis, inasmuch as he
and his followers have seceded from the regular Piut organization.
The seceding savages have announced that they shall kill and scalp
all pale-faces [which makes our face pale, I reckon] found loose in
that section. We find the guard doubled at all the stations where
we change horses, and our passengers nervously examine their
pistols and readjust the long glittering knives in their belts. I
feel in my pockets to see if the key which unlocks the carpet-bag
containing my revolvers is all right--for I had rather brilliantly
locked my deadly weapons up in that article, which was strapped
with the other baggage to the rack behind. The passengers frown on
me for this carelessness, but the kind-hearted Ryder gives me a
small double-barrelled gun, with which I narrowly escape murdering
my beloved friend Hingston in cold blood. I am not used to guns
and things, and in changing the position of this weapon I pulled
the trigger rather harder than was necessary.
When this wicked rebellion first broke out I was among the first--
to stay at home--chiefly because of my utter ignorance of firearms.
I should be valuable to the Army as a Brigadier-General only so far
as the moral influence of--my name went.
. . . .
When this wicked rebellion first broke out I was among the first to
stay at home -chiefly because of my utter ignorance of firearms. I
should be valuable to the army as a Brigadier General only so far
as the moral influence of my name went.
. . . .
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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