The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return — John Shaqi
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and ReturnWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
However, we pass safely through the land of the Piutes, unmolested
by Buffalo James. This celebrated savage can read and write, and
is quite an orator, like Metamora, or the last of the Wampanoags.
He went on to Washington a few years ago and called Mr. Buchanan
his Great Father, and the members of the Cabinet his dear Brothers.
They gave him a great many blankets, and he returned to his
beautiful hunting grounds and went to killing stage drivers. He
made such a fine impression upon Mr. Buchanan during his sojourn in
Washington that that statesman gave a young English tourist, who
crossed the plain a few years since, a letter of introduction to
him. The great Indian chief read the English person's letter with
considerable emotion, and then ordered him scalped, and stole his
trunks.
Mr. Ryder knows me only as "Mr. Brown," and he refreshes me during
the journey by quotations from my books and lectures.
"Never seen Ward?" he said.
"Oh, no."
"Ward says he likes little girls, but he likes large girls just as
well. Haw, haw, haw! I should like to see the d--- fool!"
He referred to me.
He even woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me one of
Ward's jokes.
. . . .
I lecture at Big Creek.
Big Creek is a straggling, wild, little village; and the house in
which I had the honor of speaking a piece had no other floor than
the bare earth. The roof was of sagebrush. At one end of the
building a huge wood fire blazed, which, with half-a-dozen
tallow-candles, afforded all the illumination desired. The
lecturer spoke from behind the drinking bar. Behind him long rows
of decanters glistened; above him hung pictures of race-horses and
prize-fighters; and beside him, in his shirt-sleeves and wearing
a cheerful smile, stood the bar-keeper. My speeches at the Bar
before this had been of an elegant character, perhaps, but quite
brief. They never extended beyond "I don't care if I do," "No
sugar in mine," And short gems of a like character.
I had a good audience at Big Creek, who seemed to be pleased, the
bar-keeper especially; for at the close of any "point" that I
sought to make he would deal the counter a vigorous blow with his
fist, and exclaim, "Good boy from the New England States! listen
to William W. Shakespeare!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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