The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and ReturnWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 4: To California and Return
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
I remember that one of the numerous reasons urged in favor of
General Fremont's election to the Presidency in 1856 was his
finding the path across the Rocky Mountains. I wrung my
frostbitten hands on that dreadful night, and declared that for me
to deliberately go over that path in mid-winter was a sufficient
reason for my election to any lunatic asylum, by an overwhelming
vote. Dr. Hingston made a similar remark, and wondered if he
should ever clink glasses with his friend Lord Palmerston again.
Another sensation. Not comic this time. One of our passengers, a
fair-haired German boy, whose sweet ways had quite won us all, sank
on the snow, and said--Let me sleep. We knew only too well what
that meant, and tried hard to rouse him. It was in vain. Let me
sleep, he said. And so in the cold starlight he died. We took him
up tenderly from the snow, and bore him to the sleigh that awaited
us by the roadside, some two miles away. The new moon was shining
now, and the smile on the sweet white face told how painlessly the
poor boy had died. No one knew him. He was from the Bannock
mines, was ill-clad, had no baggage or money, and his fare was paid
to Denver. He had said that he was going back to Germany. That
was all we knew. So at sunrise the next morning we buried him at
the foot of the grand mountains that are snow-covered and icy all
the year round, far away from the Faderland, where it may be, some
poor mother is crying for her darling who will not come.
. . . .
We strike the North Platte on the 18th. The fare at the stations is
daily improving, and we often have antelope steaks now. They tell
us of eggs not far off, and we encourage (by a process not wholly
unconnected with bottles) the drivers to keep their mules in
motion.
Antelopes by the thousand can be seen racing the plains from the
coach windows.
At Elk Mountain we encounter a religious driver named Edward
Whitney, who never swears at the mules. This has made him
distinguished all over the plains. This pious driver tried to
convert the Doctor, but I am mortified to say that his efforts were
not crowned with success, Fort Halleck is a mile from Elk, and
here are some troops of the Ohio 11th regiment, under the command
of Major Thomas L. Mackey.
On the 20th we reach Rocky Thomas's justly celebrated station at 5
in the morning, and have a breakfast of hashed black-tailed deer,
antelope steaks, ham, boiled bear, honey, eggs, coffee, tea, and
cream. That was the squarest meal on the road except at Weber.
Mr. Thomas is a Baltimore "slosher," he informed me. I don't know
what that is, but he is a good fellow, and gave us a breakfast fir
for a lord, emperor, czar, count, &c. A better couldn't be found
at Delmonicp's or Parker's. He pressed me to linger with him for a
few days and shoot bears. It was with several pangs that I
declined the generous Baltimorean's invitation.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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