Sam kept a diary wherein were writ So many noble deeds and so much wit That the Recording Angel, when Sam died, Erased all entries of his own and cried: "I 'll judge you by your diary." Said Sam: "Thank you;'t will show you what a saint I am"-- Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, That record from a pocket in his shroud. The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, Each lying line of which he knew before, Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit On noble action and amusing wit; Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track; You'd never be content this side the tomb-- For deeds of greatness Heaven has little room, And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. "The Mad Philosopher" DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy. DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work. DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew: A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic, art of lying for one's country. DISABUSE, v. t. To present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. DISCRIMINATE, v. i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. DISOBEY, v. t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command. His right to govern me is clear as day, My duty manifest to disobey; And if that fit observance e'er I shun May I and duty be alike undone. Israfel Brown. DISSEMBLE, v. i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let us dissemble.--<i>Adam</i>. DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep. DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the early fool.