Autobiographical fiction; France -- Social life and customs -- Fiction
the same have been charming, that memory, since it was always to it, and
quite freely moreover, to that moment, without haste, without strain,
without the slightest compulsion or anxiety, that my ideas of love
returned; then, as gradually those ideas fixed it more definitely, it
acquired from them a proportionately greater strength but itself became
more vague; presently I could no longer recapture it; and in my dreams I
probably altered it completely, for whenever I saw Mme. de Guermantes I
realised the difference—never twice, as it happened, the same—between
what I had imagined and what I saw. And now every morning, certainly at
the moment when Mme. de Guermantes emerged from her gateway at the top
of the street I saw again her tall figure, her face with its bright eyes
and crown of silken hair—all the things for which I was there waiting;
but, on the other hand, a minute or two later, when, having first turned
my eyes away so as to appear not to be waiting for this encounter which
I had come out to seek, I raised them to look at the Duchess at the
moment in which we converged, what I saw then were red patches (as to
which I knew not whether they were due to the fresh air or to a faulty
complexion) on a sullen face which with the curtest of nods, a long way
removed from the affability of the _Phèdre_ evening, acknowledged my
salute, which I addressed to her daily with an air of surprise, and
which did not seem to please her. And yet, after a few days, during
which the memory of the two girls fought against heavy odds for the
mastery of my amorous feelings against that of Mme. de Guermantes, it
was in the end the latter which, as though of its own accord, generally
prevailed while its competitors withdrew; it was to it that I finally
found myself, deliberately moreover, and as though by preference and for
my own pleasure, to have transferred all my thoughts of love. I had
ceased to dream of the little girls coming from their catechism, or of a
certain dairy-maid; and yet I had also lost all hope of encountering in
the street what I had come out to seek, either the affection promised to
me, at the theatre, in a smile, or the profile, the bright face beneath
its pile of golden hair which were so only when seen from afar. Now I
should not even have been able to say what Mme. de Guermantes was like,
by what I recognised her, for every day, in the picture which she
presented as a whole, the face was different, as were the dress and the
hat.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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