The months went by, monotonous, and sometimes blotted with despair. He
wrote and planned and filled the waste-paper basket with hopeless
efforts. Now and then he sent verses or prose articles to magazines, in
pathetic ignorance of the trade. He felt the immense difficulty of the
career of literature without clearly understanding it; the battle was
happily in a mist, so that the host of the enemy, terribly arrayed, was
to some extent hidden. Yet there was enough of difficulty to appall;
from following the intricate course of little nameless brooks, from
hushed twilight woods, from the vision of the mountains, and the breath
of the great wind, passing from deep to deep, he would come home filled
with thoughts and emotions, mystic fancies which he yearned to
translate into the written word. And the result of the effort seemed
always to be bathos! Wooden sentences, a portentous stilted style,
obscurity, and awkwardness clogged the pen; it seemed impossible to win
the great secret of language; the stars glittered only in the darkness,
and vanished away in clearer light. The periods of despair were often
long and heavy, the victories very few and trifling; night after night
he sat writing after his father had knocked out his last pipe, filling
a page with difficulty in an hour, and usually forced to thrust the
stuff away in despair, and go unhappily to bed, conscious that after
all his labour he had done nothing. And these were moments when the
accustomed vision of the land alarmed him, and the wild domed hills and
darkling woods seemed symbols of some terrible secret in the inner life
of that stranger—himself. Sometimes when he was deep in his books and
papers, sometimes on a lonely walk, sometimes amidst the tiresome
chatter of Caermaen “society,” he would thrill with a sudden sense of
awful hidden things, and there ran that quivering flame through his
nerves that brought back the recollection of the matted thicket, and
that earlier appearance of the bare black boughs enwrapped with flames.
Indeed, though he avoided the solitary lane, and the sight of the sheer
height, with its ring of oaks and moulded mounds, the image of it grew
more intense as the symbol of certain hints and suggestions. The
exultant and insurgent flesh seemed to have its temple and castle
within those olden walls, and he longed with all his heart to escape,
to set himself free in the wilderness of London, and to be secure
amidst the murmur of modern streets.
II.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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