She lifted her chin and shook her head in emphasis. The man laughed.
"You amuse as much as you thrill me," he said, looking at her hungrily.
"That's a splendid way to help a fellow: to laugh at the first effort I
make to justify my existence."
"I want to help you, Jane. I've always wanted to help you. I've put
myself and what I have at your disposal. I've not only done that, but
I've begged and pleaded and schemed to make you take them. You'd never
listen when I talked love to you.
"You've always seemed to be a peculiarly material-minded girl and I had
to play on that. But when I've talked ease and comfort and luxury to
you, you know that I've meant more than just those things. It's been
love, Jane ... love in every syllable."
He rose and walked to stand before her.
"That hurt," she said, with a sharp little laugh. "That ...
materialism. But I believe it was only too true. It had to be, you see.
It was the only thing I could see to live for. There was the one thing
I missed, the thing I had expected to find. It was the thing you talked
about: Love. I wanted love, tried to find love and at twenty-five gave
it up. That's a horrible thing, Dick. Giving that up at twenty-five!"
"But I have offered you love, continually, for four years."
"Dick ... oh, Dick! You don't know what that means. You showed that
when you selected your tactics: trying to give me things that I could
taste and touch and see.
"If it had been love, the real thing, that you felt, you'd have
overwhelmed me with it, you would not have allowed another
consideration to enter, you'd have swept me off my feet with making me
understand that it was love. You wouldn't have talked places and
motors, luxury and aimlessness."
Her voice shook. She was hurt, bordering on anger.
"You pass the buck," he retorted evenly. "You've told me, time after
time, that love didn't matter to you."
"Not the sort you offered. It never could."
"There's another kind, then?"
"Somewhere,"--with an emphatic nod.
"You think you can find the sort you're looking for here?"
"I don't know. I haven't thought of that yet, but I know there is
something else I can find."
"And that?"
"Myself!"--stoutly.
He threw back his head with a hearty laugh.
"You talk like a convert, Jane!"
"I am, Dick. Just that. I've seen the evil of my ways, I have seen the
light; I'm going to try to justify my existence, going to try to stand
for something, to be something, not just a girl with looks or with ...
money.
"I may miss love entirely, but I have realized, all of a sudden, that
as yet I'm not fit for the love I wanted. Why, I have nothing to give
to a man; I would take all and give nothing. A woman doesn't win a true
love by such a transaction. If I can stand alone, if I can fight my own
battles, if I can overcome obstacles that are as real as the love I
have wanted, then I will be justified in seeking that love....
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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