The Magistrate: A Farce in Three ActsPinero, Arthur Wing
General
The Magistrate: A Farce in Three Acts
Pinero, Arthur Wing
Comedy plays; English drama -- 19th century
This way; be quick. Excuse me, the police are just entering the room
in which these gentlemen were having supper. One of them is anxious
not to be asked any questions. Please to hide him and his friend
somewhere. They are both very nice gentlemen.
[_He goes out, leaving CIS and MR. POSKET._
MR. POSKET.
Cis, Cis. Advise me, my boy, advise me.
CIS.
It's all right, Guv, it's all right. Get behind something.
[_AGATHA POSKET peeps from under the table-cloth._
AGATHA POSKET.
Æneas, and my child!
[_MR. POSKET and CIS wander about, looking for hiding-places._
VALE.
[_To CIS._] Go away.
CIS.
Oh!
LUKYN.
[_To MR. POSKET, who is fumbling at the coats._] No, no.
BLOND.
[_Popping his head in._] The police--coming.
[_CIS disappears behind the window-curtain. MR. POSKET dives under the
table._
AGATHA POSKET.
Oh!
MR. POSKET.
[_To AGATHA POSKET in a whisper._] I beg your pardon. I think I am
addressing a lady. I am entirely the victim of circumstances. Accept
my apologies for this apparent intrusion. [_No answer._] Madam, I
applaud your reticence, though any statement made under the present
circumstances would not be used against you. Where is that boy? Oh!
Madam, it may be acute nervousness on your part, but you are certainly
pinching my arm.
[_There is the sound of heavy feet outside, then MESSITER, a gruff
matter-of-fact Inspector of Police, enters, followed by HARRIS, a
constable, and ACHILLE BLOND._
BLOND.
You need not trouble yourself--take my word for it.
MESSITER.
No trouble, Mr. Blond, thank you. [_Sniffing._] Candles--blown
out--lately. This is where the light was.
BLOND.
Perhaps. My servant, Isidore, sleeps here; he has only just gone to
bed.
MESSITER.
Oh! [_Taking a bull's-eye lantern from HARRIS and throwing the light
on ISIDORE, who is apparently sleeping soundly._] Dead tired, I
suppose?
BLOND.
I suppose so.
MESSITER.
[_Slightly turning down the covering._] He sleeps in his clothes?
BLOND.
Oh yes.
MESSITER.
Always?
BLOND.
Always--it is a rule of the hotel.
MESSITER.
Oh!--why's that?
BLOND.
To be ready for the morning.
MESSITER.
All right--all right. [_Throwing the rug and blanket aside._] Isidore,
go downstairs and give your full name and particulars to Sergeant
Jarvis.
ISIDORE.
[_Rising instantly._] Yes, sir--very good.
BLOND.
[_To ISIDORE._] Why do you wake up so soon? Devil take you!
ISIDORE.
I beg your pardon.
[_He goes out._
MESSITER.
What is underneath that window, Mr. Blond?
BLOND.
The skylight over the kitchen--devil take it!
MESSITER.
Thank you--_you_ can go down to the sergeant now, Mr. Blond.
BLOND.
With pleasure--devil take me!
[_He goes out._
MESSITER.
Now then, Harris.
HARRIS.
Yes, sir.
MESSITER.
Keep perfectly still and hold your breath as long as you can.
HARRIS.
Hold my breath, sir?
MESSITER.
Yes--I want to hear how many people are breathing in this room. Are
you ready?
HARRIS.
Yes, sir.
MESSITER.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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