The Magistrate: A Farce in Three ActsPinero, Arthur Wing
General
The Magistrate: A Farce in Three Acts
Pinero, Arthur Wing
Comedy plays; English drama -- 19th century
Go! [_HARRIS stands still, tightly compressing his lips; MESSITER
quickly examines his face by the light of the lantern, then walks
round the room, listening, and nodding his head with satisfaction as
he passes the various hiding-places. HARRIS writhes in agony; in the
end he gives it up and breathes heavily._] Harris!
HARRIS.
[_Exhausted._] Yes, sir!
MESSITER.
You're breathing.
HARRIS.
Oh lor', yes, sir!
MESSITER.
You'll report yourself to-night!
HARRIS.
I held on till I nearly went off, sir.
MESSITER.
[_Giving him the bull's-eye._] Don't argue, but light up. There are
half a dozen people concealed in this room. [_There is a cry from the
women. CHARLOTTE and VALE rise; LUKYN steps from behind the coats._] I
thought so. [_As MESSITER turns, AGATHA POSKET and MR. POSKET rise,
CIS comes quickly, catches hold of MR. POSKET, and drags him across to
the window._]
CIS.
[To MR. POSKET.] Come on, Guv. Come on!
[_They disappear through the curtain as HARRIS turns up the lights.
Then then is a cry and the sound of a crash._
AGATHA POSKET.
They're killed!
[_MESSITER looks through the window._
MESSITER.
No, they're not; they've gone into the kitchen and the balcony with
them. Look sharp, Harris.
[_HARRIS goes out quickly._
LUKYN.
[_To MESSITER._] I shall report you for this, sir.
MESSITER.
[_Taking out his note-book._] Very sorry, sir; it's my duty.
LUKYN.
Duty, sir! Coming your confounded detective tricks on ladies and
gentlemen! How dare you make ladies and gentlemen suspend their
breathing till they nearly have apoplexy? Do you know I'm a
short-necked man, sir?
MESSITER.
I didn't want you to leave off breathing, sir. I wanted you to breathe
louder. Your name and address, sir.
LUKYN.
Gur-r-r-h!
MESSITER.
Army gentleman, sir?
LUKYN.
How do you know that?
MESSITER.
Short style of speaking, sir. Army gentlemen run a bit brusquish when
on in years.
LUKYN.
Oh! Alexander Lukyn--Colonel--Her Majesty's Cheshire Light Infantry,
late 41st Foot, 3rd Battalion--Bengal--Retired.
MESSITER.
[_Writing._] Hotel or club, Colonel?
LUKYN.
Neither. 19A, Cork Street--lodgings.
MESSITER.
[_Writing._] Very nice part, Colonel. Thank you.
LUKYN.
Bah!
MESSITER.
Other gentleman?
VALE.
[_With languid hauteur._] Horace Edmund Cholmeley Clive Napier Vale.
Captain--Shropshire Fusiliers--Stark's Hotel, Conduit Street.
MESSITER.
[_Writing._] Retired, sir?
VALE.
No, confound you--active!
MESSITER.
Thank you, Captain. Ahem! Beg pardon. The--the ladies.
[_CHARLOTTE clings to VALE, AGATHA POSKET to LUKYN._
CHARLOTTE AND AGATHA POSKET.
No--no! No--no!
LUKYN.
[_To AGATHA POSKET._] All right--all right--trust to me! [_To
MESSITER._] Well, sir?
MESSITER.
Names and addresses, please.
LUKYN.
Officer--my good fellow--tell me now--er--um--at the present moment,
what are you most in want of?
MESSITER.
These two ladies' names and addresses, please. Be quick, Colonel.
[_Pointing to AGATHA POSKET._] That lady first.
LUKYN.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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