The Red Light of Mars; or, A Day in the Life of the Devil: A Philosophical ComedyBronson-Howard, George
Philosophy
The Red Light of Mars; or, A Day in the Life of the Devil: A Philosophical Comedy
Bronson-Howard, George
Devil -- Drama; Long Island (N.Y.) -- Drama
Better trick for me than for you! Ha! Ha! (_Turns Agnus around,
disconsolately_) I don’t look a bit better from the back! (_Solemnly_)
I’d hate to see myself undressed.
THE DEVIL
The best part of _you_ is talking right now.
AGNUS (_almost howling_)
Mr. Magnus—what have you done with Mr. Magnus?
[_The light comes flying back through window. The Devil points to it.
Schwartzenhopfel points also and begins following the light about as
before. The light is about to fly off again in dignity, but pauses at
the window._
THE DEVIL
Here! Leave him alone! (_To Schwartzenhopfel_) You didn’t like it when
I did it to _you_—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
That’s why I’m doing it to him. He’s a tyrant, a bloodsucker, a
vampire, a murderer of poor men’s souls. He ought to be hung, drawn,
quartered, and dynamited. He is—
THE DEVIL
You had better keep those sentiments to yourself. Have you forgotten
who you are? With all his sins to answer for?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_ceases suddenly to rail and takes a cigarette which
he lights_) I did miss tobacco—
THE DEVIL
How could you miss tobacco without a body?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
It soothes the soul. A fine trick you played me.
THE DEVIL
And a fine trick you played me. Leaving bombs sewn up in your mattress.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_grinning_)
How the police would like to know where they are. They searched the
room today.
THE DEVIL
I shook you just in time—
AGNUS (_turning pale_)
What did you say?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Searched my room—his room. (_Points to The Devil_) Your room now. Lucky
I’m in disguise! (_Taps body_)
AGNUS (_pale and trembling_)
Did they—er—find anything?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_Scornfully_)
Policemen find anything?
AGNUS (_breathing hard_)
Thank God!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
At least not before I flew away.
AGNUS
You left the police there—in your room?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
No, in your room—smoking and trying to think. If they think they can
think, what do they think they can think with?
AGNUS (_in trembling tone_)
Where is your room?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Your room? Why, over the shoemaker’s shop—next block?
[_Agnus sits down unmanned._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
New York detectives, too. Central-office “dicks.” None of your common
country constables or sheriffs for me—I’m a celebrated man.
AGNUS (_in a trembling tone_)
You—you are?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
No, you are. From Maine to Pensacola; from ’Frisco to Vancouver. Nobody
makes bombs like old Schwartzenhopfel. I hope they don’t find those
seven. They took me three weeks and cost three hundred dollars.
AGNUS
I—I hope they don’t, too. I—I think I’ll go—now—g—go—to bed. (_He
starts for the stairway_) I wonder if they’re still there—in your room?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
My dear sir—I am John Magnus. It ain’t _my_ room—
THE DEVIL (_to Agnus_)
You might ask Mr. Magnus to go over and find out for you?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Me? Got a photo of it, haven’t you?
THE DEVIL
No—him! (_Points to the light_)
[_The light contracts and moves to other side of room._
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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