“What is the greatest hydraulic feat of the age?” “Flushing Long Island.” * * * * * “They say that whiskey has killed more men than bullets.” “Well, I’d sooner be full of whiskey than bullets, wouldn’t you?” * * * * * “Hello, is this you, Doctor?” “Yes,” says Doctor. “My mother-in-law is at death’s door, so come up at once and help me to pull her through.” * * * * * Beer always makes me fat. Beer makes me lean--against telegraph poles and houses. * * * * * “Are you sure these corsets are unbreakable?” asked the doubting customer. “I have been wearing a pair myself for a year,” said the shop girl, “and they are not broken yet. And,” she continued, blushing, “I’m engaged.” * * * * * “All I have eaten in two days is one bowl of soup.” “That’s nothing, old chap. I lived two weeks once on water.” “On water! and you lived?” “Lived fine. I was spending my vacation on a canal boat.” * * * * * “When I marry I’ll marry a candy woman.” “Why?” “Well, if I don’t like her I can lick her.” * * * * * A schoolma’am once caught the janitor in a falsehood and thereupon asked him where he supposed he’d go if he told such stories. The janitor replied that wherever he went he expected he’d be making fires for the school-teachers. * * * * * A drunken barber while shaving a minister cut him. The minister said: “You see what drink does.” _Drunken Barber_--“Yes. It makes the skin verra tender.” * * * * * I saw a terrible accident happen while I was in Chicago. A street-car run over a little girl and cut both of her hands off. I ran to her and was going to pick her up, when she hollered, “Hands off!” * * * * * “How’s your brother?” “Why, my brother is away for three years.” “Yes, I was there. I thought he’d get ten.” “Well, my brother’s smart.” “You bet. I didn’t think they’d catch him.” “Well, you never mind my brother.” “I don’t have to. There are men paid for minding him.” * * * * * “Where do you think I got this collar?” “Where?” “Around my neck.” * * * * * “I’ve got a lot of money in England and I don’t know how to get it over here.” “Well, just sit down and think it over.” * * * * * A western farmer writes to his local paper: “If your people want to see a big hog, come out to my farm and ask for me.” * * * * * “Ma, what is an angel?” “An angel is one that flies.” “Why, Pa says my governess is an angel.” “Yes, and she’s going to fly, too.” * * * * * I can’t sing since I worked for a baker. Why not? I can’t get any higher than dough.