“No, alive. They were jays from the country and they were blue with cold.” * * * * * _Tourist_--“Pretty dull around here.” _Rube_--“Jest now ’tis. Yew wait a couple of months and see how this place’ll be stirred up.” _Tourist_--“What’s going to happen?” _Rube_--“Ploughin’.” * * * * * “I went into Macy’s last summer to get my wife a shirt-waist. She wanted something extremely thin. So I said to the floor-walker, ‘Will you show me the thinnest thing you’ve got in a shirt-waist?’” “He said, ‘I would, but she’s just gone to lunch.’” * * * * * “If I like the Waldorf Astoria I’m going to buy it.” “And if I was as drunk as you are I’d sell it to you right now.” * * * * * What is your business? I am a diamond cutter. Where did you ever cut any diamonds? Out at the baseball grounds. I used to cut the grass off of the diamond. * * * * * A woman got on a car with a baby. I began to look at it and she said, “Rubber.” I said, “Is that so? I thought it was real.” * * * * * “That was a handsome woman in the pink tights.” “What was the color of her hair?” “I didn’t notice her face.” * * * * * How do you like married life? Oh, I live like a bird. How is that? I have to fly for my life. * * * * * “They say that the blind can determine color by the sense of touch?” “Sure, I once knew a blind man who was able to tell a red-hot stove by merely putting his finger on it.” * * * * * “By the way, did you recover the umbrella you lost last week?” “No; but I recovered a better one that I didn’t lose.” * * * * * “Is that punch bowl cut glass?” “Yes. Cut from $2 to $1.98.” * * * * * “A man said to me to-day, ‘where did you get that face?’ I told him that it belonged to me, and he said he didn’t know but that I’d beat a bull-dog out of it. The idea. You know a man can’t choose his face, nor his hair nor his eyes. He’s lucky if he can pick his teeth.” * * * * * “His father is the meanest man I ever knew. He never buys any coal. He lives near a railroad and makes faces at the engineer.” * * * * * “I saw your sister on the street to-day.” “How was she looking?” “I don’t know. I didn’t see her face.” “How did you know it was my sister?” “Oh, I’m quick at figures.” * * * * * “What do you take for the grip?” “Oh, I get it without taking anything.” * * * * * You know that fifty-dollar watch I used to carry? Yes. I pawned it for five dollars. That’s time wasted. * * * * * _Old Lady_ (sniffing)--“What’s that odor I smell?”