_Farmer_--“That’s fertilizer.” _Old Lady_ (astonished)--“For the land’s sake!” _Farmer_--“Yes, ma’am.” * * * * * I went into a restaurant to-day and the girl who came to take my order said: “I’ve got calves’ brains, frog’s legs, chicken’s liver, and--” I interrupted her. I said, “You ought to see a doctor.” * * * * * When a boy is too old to sleep with his parents, what do they do with him? I suppose they get him a bed of his own. No. They boycott him. * * * * * _Critic_--Your work seems a little raw. _Poet_--It oughtn’t to be. It’s been roasted enough. * * * * * My sister’s husband got a divorce from her. What for? For making bad coffee. That was poor grounds. * * * * * _Bill_--Your friend Crimsonbeak reminds me of the moon. _Jill_--Because he’s out late nights? _Bill_--No; because he appears to be brightest when full. * * * * * “We never remember the faces of those we love most dearly.” “That’s so! To save me I can’t tell what a hundred-dollar-bill looks like!” * * * * * “Didn’t I tell you I wanted you to run an errand for me?” asked the mother the third time. “Yes, maw,” said Johnnie, laying down his literature. And as the boy started to the grocery he muttered to himself: “I hope Seven-fingered Sam won’t kill Old Sleuth ’till I git back.” * * * * * “How did you know that Charlie Coleman was a teacher?” “Didn’t you see me look into his eyes?” “Yes.” “I could see his pupils.” * * * * * “I’m following the horses now.” “Are you beating them?” “No. I lost my whip.” * * * * * “You remind me of a river.” “How so?” “The biggest part of you is your mouth.” * * * * * “I dreamed last night, that I had a million dollars.” “I thought so. I spoke to you twice during the night and you never noticed me.” * * * * * _Myra_--“What kind of a husband would you advise me to get?” _Jessie_--“You get a single man and let the husbands alone.” * * * * * _Hiram_--“Yew must of felt all-fired sheepish when yew got buncoed by thet there confidence feller.” _Josh_--“Naturally; didn’t I get fleeced?” * * * * * “I don’t see how she can marry such a little man. Why, she could carry him in her pocket.” “Oh, dear, no! Never fear. He’ll be out of pocket all the time after he marries her.” * * * * * “How long do you expose a plate in taking a picture?” “Oh, about three seconds.” “Well, suppose it’s a living picture?” “No limit.” * * * * * “What caused the death of Mary Murphy?” “She dreamt she was a frog and croaked.”