“Well, I should say not. Why, I can’t even pay my own little bills.” * * * * * “Every time I take a drink of whiskey it goes to my head.” “Sure; it wants to get where it won’t be crowded.” * * * * * “My, but you have large ears!” “Yes. All I lack is your brains to be a perfect donkey.” * * * * * “Does your wife ever send for you if you happen to stay out late?” “No, she waits until I get home, then she goes for me.” * * * * * “The discipline in the navy is very strict, isn’t it?” “So strict that they even dock a vessel that can’t keep up with the rest.” * * * * * “What are you crying about?” “Oh, they are not regular tears.” “What are they, then?” “They’re just volunteers.” * * * * * I heard your father was a prominent figure in Wall Street and made lots of dust. Yes, he was a street-sweeper. * * * * * “Do you think there is much difference between this world and the next?” “Yes, there’s a hell of a difference for some.” * * * * * “Have you received last month’s gas bill, dear?” “Yes, husband.” “Well, what’s the charge of the light brigade?” * * * * * “We had short-cake for tea.” “So had we; so short it didn’t go round!” * * * * * “Pa, did you know ma long before you married her?” “No, my boy, I didn’t know her until long after I married her!” * * * * * Anybody can lead a horse to a drinking place, but nobody can force him to drink. How different it is with men! * * * * * _Riggs_--“Where did you get that black eye?” _Jiggs_--“Told the conductor I was travelling on my face, and he punched the ticket.” * * * * * _Ethics Prof._--What becomes of a drinker when he dies? _S. S._--Why, since his “spirit” is gone, he gets a “bier.” * * * * * Do you like corn on the ear? I never had one there. * * * * * _Bill_--Do you think betting is wrong. _Jill_--Well, the way I bet generally is. * * * * * “I’ve lost my ring, Bridget.” “Phwy don’t ye advertise, mum, an’ no questions asked?” “What good would it do?” “Ye moight foind it, mum. Me lasht misthress did, an’ Oi got the reward.” * * * * * A farmer’s wagon loaded with butter broke down. It stuck fast in a mud hole and the horse couldn’t start it. “It’s no use, Mister,” said a small boy. “Your old horse ain’t strong enough. Take him out an’ hitch in a roll of yer butter.” * * * * * “What is your brother doing?” “Six months.” * * * * *