“What was it?” “A baby born with human hands and bear feet.” * * * * * “Is your wife a victim of bargain days?” “No, I’m the victim. She seems to enjoy them.” * * * * * “Horrible fire in the shoe factory.” “Any lives lost?” “A thousand souls” (soles). * * * * * Why did they make the hand on the Statue of Liberty 11 inches long? I don’t know. Well if they made it 12 inches it would have been a foot. * * * * * “My wife plays the piano entirely by ear.” “That’s nothing! A friend of mine plays a mouth-harp with his nose.” * * * * * “What would you do if I should kiss you?” “I should call for help?” “H’m. Do you really think I’d need any help?” * * * * * “Do you think there is any danger in going up in a balloon?” “Not half as much as there is in coming down.” * * * * * “I married my typewriter.” “Why?” “So I can dictate to her.” * * * * * My wife gave birth to triplets. Why don’t you tell her to stop her kidding? * * * * * “May I print a kiss on your cheek?” I asked. She nodded her sweet permission; So we went to press, and I rather guess I printed a large edition. * * * * * “Stingy Bill won’t pay for a glass of lager.” “What does he do?” “Hires root beer.” * * * * * “There was an accident at Mr. Child’s house yesterday. He broke through the mattress and fell into the spring.” * * * * * “My mother-in-law is nearly sixty years old.” “That’s nothing. If mine lives long enough she’ll be a hundred and sixty.” * * * * * “Are you still following the races?” “Yes, but if I ever catch up with them I’m going to quit.” * * * * * “What is our old friend Hardup doing nowadays?” “O, he’s gone into real estate.” “That’s the very last thing I should have supposed he’d do.” “It was; he’s dead.” * * * * * When my mother-in-law was sick, I went to her bedside, and began to cry. She said, “Don’t cry, we will meet in the other world.” I began to go to church right away. * * * * * _Passerby_--Say, boy, your dog bit me on the ankle! _Boy_--Well, dat’s as high as he could reach. You wouldn’t expect a little pup like him to bite yer neck would yer? * * * * * “A scoundrel insulted my wife and I walked five miles through a blinding snow-storm to his home so that I could give him a thrashing.” “My! but that was a distance to walk to thrash a man. Did you walk back?” “No, I rode back in an ambulance.” * * * * * “Is your sister ever out of temper?”