Camille (La Dame aux Camilias) — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
Camille (La Dame aux Camilias)
John Stuart Mill · en
When I returned home (he continued, without needing to pause and
recollect himself, so fresh were all the details in his mind), I did
not go to bed, but began to reflect over the day’s adventure. The
meeting, the introduction, the promise of Marguerite, had followed one
another so rapidly, and so unexpectedly, that there were moments when
it seemed to me I had been dreaming. Nevertheless, it was not the first
time that a girl like Marguerite had promised herself to a man on the
morrow of the day on which he had asked for the promise.
Though, indeed, I made this reflection, the first impression produced
on me by my future mistress was so strong that it still persisted. I
refused obstinately to see in her a woman like other women, and, with
the vanity so common to all men, I was ready to believe that she could
not but share the attraction which drew me to her.
Yet, I had before me plenty of instances to the contrary, and I had
often heard that the affection of Marguerite was a thing to be had more
or less dear, according to the season.
But, on the other hand, how was I to reconcile this reputation with her
constant refusal of the young count whom we had found at her house? You
may say that he was unattractive to her, and that, as she was
splendidly kept by the duke, she would be more likely to choose a man
who was attractive to her, if she were to take another lover. If so,
why did she not choose Gaston, who was rich, witty, and charming, and
why did she care for me, whom she had thought so ridiculous the first
time she had seen me?
It is true that there are events of a moment which tell more than the
courtship of a year. Of those who were at the supper, I was the only
one who had been concerned at her leaving the table. I had followed
her, I had been so affected as to be unable to hide it from her, I had
wept as I kissed her hand. This circumstance, added to my daily visits
during the two months of her illness, might have shown her that I was
somewhat different from the other men she knew, and perhaps she had
said to herself that for a love which could thus manifest itself she
might well do what she had done so often that it had no more
consequence for her.
All these suppositions, as you may see, were improbable enough; but
whatever might have been the reason of her consent, one thing was
certain, she had consented.
Now, I was in love with Marguerite. I had nothing more to ask of her.
Nevertheless, though she was only a kept woman, I had so anticipated
for myself, perhaps to poetize it a little, a hopeless love, that the
nearer the moment approached when I should have nothing more to hope,
the more I doubted. I did not close my eyes all night.