Camille (La Dame aux Camilias) — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
Camille (La Dame aux Camilias)
John Stuart Mill · en
I scarcely knew myself. I was half demented. Now, I seemed to myself
not handsome or rich or elegant enough to possess such a woman, now I
was filled with vanity at the thought of it; then I began to fear lest
Marguerite had no more than a few days’ caprice for me, and I said to
myself that since we should soon have to part, it would be better not
to keep her appointment, but to write and tell her my fears and leave
her. From that I went on to unlimited hope, unbounded confidence. I
dreamed incredible dreams of the future; I said to myself that she
should owe to me her moral and physical recovery, that I should spend
my whole life with her, and that her love should make me happier than
all the maidenly loves in the world.
But I can not repeat to you the thousand thoughts that rose from my
heart to my head, and that only faded away with the sleep that came to
me at daybreak.
When I awoke it was two o’clock. The weather was superb. I don’t think
life ever seemed to me so beautiful and so full of possibilities. The
memories of the night before came to me without shadow or hindrance,
escorted gaily by the hopes of the night to come. From time to time my
heart leaped with love and joy in my breast. A sweet fever thrilled me.
I thought no more of the reasons which had filled my mind before I
slept. I saw only the result, I thought only of the hour when I was to
see Marguerite again.
It was impossible to stay indoors. My room seemed too small to contain
my happiness. I needed the whole of nature to unbosom myself.
I went out. Passing by the Rue d’Antin, I saw Marguerite’s coupé
waiting for her at the door. I went toward the Champs-Elysées. I loved
all the people whom I met. Love gives one a kind of goodness.
After I had been walking for an hour from the Marly horses to the
Rond-Point, I saw Marguerite’s carriage in the distance; I divined
rather than recognised it. As it was turning the corner of the
Champs-Elysées it stopped, and a tall young man left a group of people
with whom he was talking and came up to her. They talked for a few
moments; the young man returned to his friends, the horses set out
again, and as I came near the group I recognised the one who had spoken
to Marguerite as the Comte de G., whose portrait I had seen and whom
Prudence had indicated to me as the man to whom Marguerite owed her
position. It was to him that she had closed her doors the night before;
I imagined that she had stopped her carriage in order to explain to him
why she had done so, and I hoped that at the same time she had found
some new pretext for not receiving him on the following night.
How I spent the rest of the day I do not know; I walked, smoked,
talked, but what I said, whom I met, I had utterly forgotten by ten
o’clock in the evening.
All I remember is that when I returned home, I spent three hours over
my toilet, and I looked at my watch and my clock a hundred times, which
unfortunately both pointed to the same hour.