Deadlock : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 6 — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
Deadlock : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 6
John Stuart Mill · en
Teaching, being known as a teacher, had brought about Mrs. Bailey’s
confident promise to the Russian student. There was no help for that. If
he were cheated, it was part of the general confusion of the outside
life. He also was subject to that. It would be a moment in his
well-furnished life, caught up whenever his memory touched it, into the
strand of contemptible things. He would see her drifting almost
submerged in the flood of débris that made up the boarding-house life,
its influence not recognised in the first moments because she stood out
from it, still bearing, externally, the manner of another kind of life.
The other kind of life was there, but able to realise itself only when
she was alone. It had been all round her, a repelling memory, just now
in the dining-room .... blinding her .... making her utterly stupid ....
and there they were, in another world, living their lives; their smiling
patience taking its time, amused that she did not see. Of _course_ that
was what he had meant. There was no other possible meaning .... behind
barred gates, closed against her, they had sat, patiently impatient with
her absurdity .... Mrs. Bailey and Mr. Gunner....
_He_ had had the clearness of vision to discover what she was ......
behind her half-dyed grey hair and terrible ill-fitting teeth. Glorious.
Into the midst of her failing experiment, at the very moment when the
shadow of on-coming age was making it visibly tragic, had come this man
in his youth, clear-sighted and determined, seeing her as his happiness,
his girl. She was a girl, modest and good.... Circumstances could do
nothing. There as she stood at bay in the midst of them, the thing she
believed in, her one test of everything in life, always sure of her
defence and the shelter of her curious little iron strength, had come
again to her herself, all her own ... it was the unasked reward of her
unswerving faith. She stood decorated by a miracle.
Mrs. Bailey had triumphed; justified her everlasting confident smile.
She was enviable; her qualities blazoned by success in a competition
whose judges, being blind, never failed in discovery......
But the miracle gleams only for a moment, and the personal life, no
longer threading its way in a wonderful shining mysteriously continuous
and decisive pattern freely in and out of the world-wide everything, is
henceforth labelled and exposed, repeating until the eye wearies of its
fixity, one little lustreless shape; and the outside world is left
untouched and unchanged. Is it worth while? A blind end, in which death
swiftly increases....... But without it, in the end, there is no shape
at all?