The mill of silence — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The mill of silence
John Stuart Mill · en
I found him seated in a musty little parlor, with some ugly casts of
murderers’ heads facing him from the top of a varnished bookcase.
“Ah, my friend!” he screeched, cracking his knuckles; “those interest
you, eh? Well, perhaps I shall have the pleasure of adding your
picture to them some day.”
An irrepressible shudder took me and he laughed, not knowing the
reason of it.
“Now, what’s your business?” said he.
I told him.
“Eh,” he said, and bent forward and looked at me narrowly. “Near
drowned, eh? Why, what were you doing, you young limb?”
“I went after him,” I answered, faintly, “but I couldn’t get the weeds
loose.”
“Dressed, too?” he said, for the sop of my underclothes had come
through the upper, and nothing escaped his hawk’s eye; “why, you’re a
hero, upon my word.”
He bade me begone after that and he would follow immediately. And I
returned to the mill, and, softly climbing the stairs, shut myself
into my room and sat upon the edge of the bed listening--listening for
every breath and sound in the old eerie house. I heard the doctor come
up the stairs and enter the room next door. I heard the low murmur of
voices and strained my ears to gather what was said, but could not
make out a word. And the darkness grew into my soul and shut out all
the old light of happy reason. Should I ever feel innocent again? And
would Modred, satisfied with his knowledge of the dreadful heritage of
remorse I had laid up for myself, forego his right to denounce me and
to forever make me an outcast and alone? I hardly dared to hope it,
yet clung with a strenuous longing to thought of his mercy.
It may have been hours I sat there. I do not know. I had heard
footsteps go up and down the stairs many times. And then a silence
fell. What was the meaning of it? Was it possible that life had only
rallied in him momentarily, like the flame of a dying candle and had
suddenly sunk for good and all into endless darkness? Had he told? Why
did no one come near me? I could stand it no longer.
As I sprung to my feet I heard a footstep again on the stairs and
Jason walked into the room and shut the door. He took no notice of me,
but began to undress.
“Jason!” I cried, and the agony in my voice I could not repress. “How
is he? Has he spoken? Oh, don’t keep me in this torture.”
“What torture?” said my brother, looking at me with a cold,
unresponsive eye. “Why should you be upset more than the rest of us?
He’s asleep all right, and not to be bothered with any questions.”
Thank God! Oh, thank God! I took no notice of his looks or tone, for I
was absorbed in great gratitude to heaven that my worst fears were
idle ones.
“Where’s dad?” I said.
“Drinking downstairs with the doctor. They’ll make high revel of it, I
expect.”
He was already in bed; but I sat on and on in the darkness. I had only
one thought--one longing to wait till Jason was fast in slumber, and
then to creep to Modred’s side and implore his forgiveness.