The Shadow of the Past — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The Shadow of the Past
John Stuart Mill · en
The afternoon wore slowly away. The brazen sun sloped to the hard blue
horizon, sinking into the waves victoriously with its golden challenge
flashed in the reluctant face of oncoming night. Along the shore the
little waves were breaking gold-tipped, and lengthening shadows, the
heralds of approaching dusk, lay along the sands. Matheson, while he
sat at dinner, was thinking of the sea--the sea with the evening light
upon it, and the restful shadows darkening cliff and sand. He dined
alone. Holman was spending the evening with friends--a matter of
business, he had explained, and had referred vaguely to the club. It
did not concern Matheson that he should be dining at the club rather
than at his friend's house; he was not particularly interested in his
arrangements. In his present mood he was only conscious of relief at
being left to himself. He was out of tune with life, and desirous of
keeping the discord unsuspected. He had a strong objection to the cause
of his despondency being misinterpreted: Holman would naturally conclude
that his losses were weighing unduly on his mind: they certainly sat
there heavily, and caused discomfort; but he had an idea that he could
bear up in face of these reverses. It was not the first occasion that
he had been unlucky with the cards.
He left the dinner table with the picture of the dusk and the quiet
sands exciting his imagination, luring him on to the committal of
amazing follies. He resisted successfully for over half an hour the
seductive call of the sea; and then went up to his room and changed into
flannels, and did what for thirty odd minutes he had been resolving he
would not do--tramped out along the road to Three Anchor Bay. He had
not the smallest hope of seeing Brenda Upton on the beach, or elsewhere;
nevertheless he walked down to the beach, and peered about him,
searching the dusk vainly for a sign of the small slender figure. He
knew that it was not in the least likely that she would be walking
about; but he looked for her none the less, with the dogged yet
purposeless air of a man pursuing consciously an illusion.