The Shadow of the Past — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
The Shadow of the Past
John Stuart Mill · en
For a week Matheson remained in Cape Town awaiting Holman's convenience.
He was in no hurry to leave. He felt neither interest nor curiosity in
his mission; the only emotion he experienced in regard to it was an
impatient desire to have it behind instead of hanging perpetually over
him, to fulfil his undertaking, and be done with the whole thing and
thus be free of further obligation. The necessity for doing something
altogether repugnant to him incensed him against the man who had imposed
the condition, and who was formerly his friend. He resented the thing
as though it had been a trick. In a way it had been a trick. He
apprehended that without following the purpose of the stratagem. He had
undertaken a questionable mission at the request of a man against whose
interest it was to be detected in connection with the matter. The whole
thing was ridiculous; but it was as imperative of discharge as any other
debt of honour incurred at the option of the individual. Having agreed
to the stake, it was impossible now to draw back.
During the week of compulsory inactivity in Cape Town he pursued with
considerable diligence the congenial pastime of cultivating the
acquaintance so recently begun, which on the night of that first walk
had leaped forward with astonishing rapidity, clearing the conventional
obstacles that intrude on new acquaintanceship, and arriving at
something more nearly resembling an intimate comradeship than anything
he had ever experienced in relation to feminine friendship. The novelty
of the thing, as much as the undeniable enjoyment he derived from the
girl's society, pleased him. The waiting about was not irksome when
Brenda Upton was there to fit into the blanks. But Brenda was not
always available.
During the next two days Mrs Graham remained indisposed; and her
companion was therefore free to spend most of the day, and all the
evening, in any way she inclined towards. Never before had Matheson
taken satisfaction in a woman's headaches; nor would he have believed it
possible that the sufferer's recovery on the third day could have caused
him such real disappointment. He would cheerfully have confined her to
her room for a week.
With Mrs Graham about again the meetings were uncertain and hurried,
and the after-dinner walks ceased altogether. Matheson rebelled against
this.
"You can get away if you want to," he asserted unreasonably. "She
couldn't refuse to let you off for an hour if you asked."
"Do you really believe that I don't want to?" she asked. "If you only
knew how much more they mean to me than they can to you--these walks!
... It's out of the question, anyhow."